Only Hasbro Can Prevent the 2012 Apocalypse

It’s a scant nine days away from the impending Apocalypse foretold by the Mayans, and I’ve figured out how to save the world. And, believe it or not, it all hinges on… Hasbro?!

Work with me here. It’s 12:12pm on 12/12/12 – that cosmic alignment alone should convince you that I’ve got it figured out. But let me explain. Twelve (see, another 12!) years ago, those prognosticators of prognosticators at the House of Ideas wrote us a how-to-avoid-the-Apocalypse manual. It was an extravagant comic book crossover event called Apocalypse: The Twelve (see, again!) and within, Marvel, through the aptly-named Destiny, gave us the List of Twelve. The twelve are (pasted from Wikipedia, because it was too much to rephrase and retype):

• Magneto and Polaris, representing opposing magnetic poles.
• Storm, Sunfire and Iceman, representing the elements (with Storm evolving into a primal elemental force).
• Cyclops, Phoenix and Cable, representing family (Father, Mother, Child), and chosen for the power of the Summers-Grey bloodline.
• Bishop and Mikhail Rasputin, representing time and space, respectively.
• Professor X, representing the mind.
• The Living Monolith as the core.

Now, I’ve figured out that shortly after the publication of Apocalypse: The Twelve in 2000, the Illuminati set in motion a chain of events to prevent the Apocalypse. It started with Toy Biz creating Spider-Man Classics, followed by Marvel Legends. Their sole mission was to produce a line of 6-inch action figures that included all twelve of the Twelve – all in order to save the world. And we have been trucking along. So far we’ve gotten Legends of Magneto, Storm, Sunfire (yes, we’ll count the AOA version of Sunfire), Iceman, Cyclops, Phoenix (who is one of the Marvel Legends coming back for more in 2013), Cable, Bishop, and ol’ leggy himself, Professor X.

However, Apocalypse and his Four Horsemen have done what they could to prevent the completion of the list. Between the rising cost of Chinese labor and oil, and the dismantling of Toy Biz for the Hasbro deal, it’s amazing that we’ve gotten this far. We should have known it would be a tough road. After all, Marvel made two critical errors – first, the crossover was only ten (not twelve, duh!) issues, and second, they let Rob Liefeld trace draw some of the art.

But there’s still hope. We’ve got nine days left, and here’s what we need from Hasbro to complete The Twelve:

• Polaris – The Fwoosh has been practically begging for Polaris for at least the past five years. I’m not even sure in how many of the Marvel Legends Top Tens she’s come in the top three. Seriously, if we perish because she’s not made, we totally deserve it.
• Mikhail Rasputin – Ok, he’s a Z-list super-villain, but he’s also the big brother of Colossus and Magik. Also, he sacrificed himself heroically to prevent Apocalypse’s victory in The Twelve. And he’s back from the dead and evil again – shouldn’t that count for something?
• The Living Monolith – At least compared to Mikhail Rasputin, the Living Monolith has some history with the X-Men, going way back to the late 60s and having a special relationship with Havok. I guess that gives him something in common with Polaris. People have said that Hasbro has run out of Build-A-Figure ideas – well, duh, Living Monolith!
• Nate Grey – And here’s where it all comes together. Wanting to break out of all this twelve 12 TWELVE crap, Destiny cryptically revealed that there is a Thirteenth. And it turned out to be Nate Grey, the X-Man! Frankly, I don’t understand his appeal – all the alternate realities and timelines stuff was overused after Days of Future Past, and because he’s just another version of Cable I’m predisposed to hate him. But if he’s going to save the world, and fill out some action figure collections while doing it, who am I to object?

So there you have it, Hasbro. Four figures in nine days? It’s time to Hero Up and save the world!